I do not consider myself someone who is quick to anger, nor quick to disqualify another human as worthy of my presence. However, there are a certain set of rules that I do adhere to, and expect those around me to do the same.

This blog post will serve as a list of actions, thoughts and rationalizations that disqualify you, the readers, from ever speaking to me in person.

If you describe someone or their actions as “a savage/savage”

Savage is the worst word that I’ve ever heard. The actual, normal use of the word I have no problem with. A wild animal biting, then eating another animal is savage. Calling an old man a slur on the street and then dabbing at him on Facebook Live is not savage. If you describe yourself as “a savage,” what you’re probably trying to say is that you’re mean. I understand that – some people are mean – just don’t try to paint general assholery in a positive light by comparing yourself to Jake Paul, and please never speak to me again.

If you have, at any point in your life, used the word “punny.”

Good examples of portmanteaus include “brunch,” (a combination “breakfast” and “lunch”), and “smog” (“smoke” and “fog). The word “punny” is a bad example, combining the worst thing in the known, modern world (puns) with a word they are certainly not (funny). If you think using the word punny is clever in any way whatsoever, please never speak to me again.

If you give a Big Mac to a homeless person and then take a photo of it and put it on Facebook. 

To be clear, I’m fully in support of giving homeless folks food and supporting multi-billion dollar companies that pay their workers like $6 an hour. What I have a problem with is what comes after – the classic photo of an attractive young person handing a cheeseburger to a downtrodden homeless person that gets plastered on Facebook with a caption espousing the importance of treating everyone as equals. The pursuit of Likes knows no bounds evidently, and will not be hampered by your silly morals.

The act of dropping $1.25 on a McDouble for a homeless person is great, until the deed is ruined by the unhinged desire to make sure that everyone in your circle is aware of the fact that you did something nice. Stop telling yourself that you’re doing it to prove some positive message – you’re doing it to get free karma and so people think about the time you so selflessly gave over one dollar to someone in need of a meal. Next time just throw a handful of fries at their face and say “you’re welcome,” then please never speak to me again.

If you post “It’s Gonna be May” memes on the internet.

I don’t feel like I even need to explain this one. This was a mildly clever photo the first time I saw it circa 1995, ever since then, it’s an awful attempt at phoned in humor that literally 0 people have ever laughed at. Get more clever before you ever speak to me again.