Let me start by pointing out that the title of this entry is a lie—Pennsylvania does not allow for early voting, so I have not in fact done a vote yet.

But come Tuesday I will do a vote. So while Pennsylvania also doesn’t mandate that employers give you time off to vote, my employer does, and I plan to use my lunch break to pause the episode of 30 Rock I’m watching for the third time, get off my couch and walk across the street from my apartment and vote. On Tuesday at approximately 12:30 pm I will do a vote, and I hope that the thousands of readers of this blog can claim the same, ideally following better language rules when doing so.

This isn’t going to be a partisan blog entry on why you should vote for Hillary Clinton or why you should vote for Donald Trump or why you should wipe your ass with the ballot and submit that (this actually counts as a vote for Trump, be careful). I just want to point out that if you’re not voting this election you’re wrong.

By not voting, you relinquish your right to complain about whoever assumes office. This goes for the President (or Presidentess, should Clinton win) as well as your local officials, from state senators down to student council president of 6th grade at your local elementary school. Don’t like Trump’s tax breaks for the top? If you didn’t vote, you can’t bitch. Don’t like your state senator slashing education budgets? If you didn’t vote, you can’t bitch. Don’t like that pizza squares went from $1.25 to $2.00 under 6th grade councilman Tommy Burkman? If you didn’t vote, you can’t complain. You also can’t complain about that because you’re not in 6th grade, and also why do you even know the price of pizza squares in elementary school?

Don’t be the person that can’t bring him or herself to vote for someone simply because they don’t align 100% with your values. There are third-party choices if you don’t like Hillary and Trump that may not have the experience or business savvy of the main party candidates, but instead offer…whatever it is that they offer.

It doesn’t matter if you “don’t like politics.” You don’t have to like them to go vote. Nor does it matter if you “don’t get politics.” Ben Carson didn’t get politics and he ran for President. The point is, your vote is important and will dictate whether we elect someone who resembles a cheeto with hair that looks like it was blurred to obscure its identity, or someone who isn’t even a man at all!

It’s a God damned election year and you have literally no reason not to be educated on the matters. It’s imperative that you get out and vote

And please don’t write in Bernie Sanders and smugly think you’re making a difference by voting for a candidate who isn’t running. Bernie Sanders is not going to win no matter how many millennials write in his name and take a photo for Facebook with “Feel the Bern” underneath. You’re literally wasting your vote if you do that. Don’t do that.

So while this blog post isn’t going to push strongly for one candidate or another, it is worth looking at a short list of pros and cons for each of the four major candidates. I use the word “major” very loosely here to allow me to include Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, primarily out of pity.

Donald J. Trump


  • Successful businessman.
  • Normal sized hands.
  • Speaks solely in superlatives, indicating strong stances on things.
  • Not Hillary Clinton.


  • No political experience.
  • Questionable temperament.
  • Often mean.


Hillary Clinton


  • Years of political experience.
  • Pant suits.
  • Knows many memes and once dabbed on “Ellen.”
  • Is not Donald Trump.


  • Literally did 9/11
  • Something about the TPP
  • Lack of penis calls qualifications into question.


Gary Johnson


  • Was governor for a while, he thinks.
  • In favor of weed legalization, netting him a wealth of voters who will forget to vote.
  • Climbed a mountain?
  • Named on Forbes list of “40 Under 40” and “40 Under the Impression They Could be President.”


  • Living proof that marijuana use makes you stupid.
  • You probably don’t know who he is.
  • Doesn’t know what Aleppo is, or where he is most times.


Jill Stein


  • The sole person who can claim that they’re not Trump, Clinton or Gary Johnson
  • Is a doctor, which worked well for Ben Carson.
  • As a woman, she can sync periods with other women, which I think is a good thing.
  • Is on some ballots, I think??


  • Serves as proof that you don’t need to be smart to be a doctor.
  • Lack of history of doing anything made it difficult for me to think of a fourth thing for the Pros list.
  • Thinks you can just erase student loan debt if you want to.


The point of this blog post is to remind you that its your duty as an American citizen to get out and vote on Tuesday. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility by the end of Tuesday evening. We elected a man who is black, Muslim, from Kenya, also from Hawaii, gay, Jewish, a lizard, a black lizard, a thug and a literal demon all in one.

Please vote on Tuesday.